Unemployment Sucks and It's Grabbing Another Straw

As someone who’s been riding the pines while he's looking for work, I can attest to the fact that sitting around broke as that car in the driveway isn’t a happening thing. I mean, sure, there’s bunches of time for trying to find that ever elusive gig, but you can only do it for so long before going absolutely bonkers – and then what? That said, how ‘bout I offer some advice from experience and the humorous side of the fence.

1. Go easy on daytime TV. Trust me – under our circumstances the Price is Never Right, there is no Law and Order, The View ain’t so hot, All My Children only cost you more money, Divorce Court is way too educational, the Squawk on the Street will only make you cry – or jealous, just the name Judge Hatchett presents too many ideas, Springer may be a sign of things to come, and the way you’ve been feeling you’ll start doing Internet searches for Dr. Phil’s office number.

2. Make sure you get up and around. You don’t want your fanny as flat as your wallet.

3. Don’t eat out of boredom. You don’t want your gut as large as your credit card debt.

4. Quit checking your unemployment debit card balance online – no miracles occurred.

5. Take CareerBuilder and Monster in small doses. Between the two of them, checking your debit and credit card balances, and researching top-secret underground military installations, an Internet addiction is knocking at the door. And you can’t afford counseling.

6. Wear protective gloves when you’re rabidly searching for loose change in your car. There’s some pretty icky stuff in there.

7. Stay away from the kid’s piggy banks – they’ll be checking.

8. No, you didn’t leave five twenties in your pants pocket last week. Stay out of the closet.

9. When you can’t sleep, stay away from the TV at 3 a.m. The last thing you need is to get sucked in by one of those phony geeks who made a trillion dollars last month working from home.

10. Make sure you find out what season they’re buying for when you start gathering clothes for the resale store. And, no, they won’t overlook that wine stain on your blouse.

11. Don’t even think about looking for the credit card number Grandma Johnson gave you when she asked you to buy your daughter a birthday present.

12. As ticked as you are at the jerk who fired you, spending hours obsessing over slowly pulling her toe nails out with pliers will only further agitate you. Plus – you may actually try to give it a go. And take that target with her picture on it out of your toilet.

13. Forget about filling time with sex. You can’t afford the Viagra

14. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “The Way We Were” isn’t going to make you feel any better.

15. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “Take This Job and Shove It” just might.