Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.
“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.
“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”
“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.
“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.
“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”
But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.
Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”
“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.
Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”
“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”
“Really?” the President pondered.
“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’
“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.
"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’
“And, suddenly, I knew how.
"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’
“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”
“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.
“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”
“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.
The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.
“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”
“Thankz,” the camel replied.
“So what did Allah tell you?”
“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”
“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”
“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.
“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”
“I did?”
“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”
“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”
“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”
The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”
“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”
The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.
“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.
The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”
“He said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”
“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”
“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”
“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”
“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.
“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”
“Or?”
The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”
The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.
The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”
“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”
“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”
Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”
Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”
Read More..
Friday, May 22, 2009
Great Wall Of China To Be Repaired With Lead-Tainted Toys
Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more.
Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.
But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”
Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."
Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.
Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.
And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.
But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.
Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.
Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.
Read More..
Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.
But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”
Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."
Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.
Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.
And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.
But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.
Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.
Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.
Read More..
Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers
Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone?
Answer: Bone
Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.
Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?
Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck
Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.
Question: What is the largest invertebrate?
Answer: Colossal Squid
Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.
Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?
Answer: The location of the station
Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.
Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?
Answer: Arcada, California
Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.
Question: What is the largest insect?
Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle
Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.
Read More..
Answer: Bone
Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.
Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?
Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck
Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.
Question: What is the largest invertebrate?
Answer: Colossal Squid
Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.
Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?
Answer: The location of the station
Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.
Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?
Answer: Arcada, California
Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.
Question: What is the largest insect?
Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle
Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.
Read More..
Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites
Are we losing out the fun from our lives? Is the mad rat race squeezing out the humor from our lives? Humor is the all essential ingredient for leading a healthy, positive life.The monotony of existence, the same old routine of everyday-sprinkle humor onto it and the drudgery of life becomes more bearable. When we are hanging out with friends and having a good laugh, for those few precious moments we are able to leave behind all the worries, pains, and pressures of existence. So what do you do when you are badly in need of a good laugh? As it is the medium we turn to for almost everything, the answer here is again the internet. And the internet has plenty of sites that will bring an instant smile to your faces. Fun sites, as they are categorized as, are a treasure trove of humor videos, pictures, games, puzzles, riddles and tons more, that will entertain you and captivate you.
Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.
Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.
Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.
As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.
Read More..
Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.
Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.
Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.
As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.
Read More..
How To Cope When You Are Surrounded By Idiots
Are the idiots in your life driving you crazy? Do you often feel like you are surrounded by idiots? Have you ever wondered if YOU are an idiot? Do the idiotic C.Y.A. instructions on the packaging of most products you buy these days make you feel like the world must think you are an idiot?
The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.
Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).
Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.
1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.
Read More..
The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.
Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).
Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.
1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.
Read More..
How and When To Make Humour at Work!
A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.
Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.
Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.
Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.
One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.
Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.
Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.
Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.
Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.
The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.
In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.
Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.
Read More..
Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.
Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.
Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.
One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.
Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.
Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.
Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.
Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.
The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.
In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.
Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.
Read More..
Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man
To HM King David of the Isle of Mann (or Man), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, I, your Not-So-Humble Servant to render such Wisdom as I can…
For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon.
My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts.
The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head.
But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea.
Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too.
Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.
To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later.
Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas. Read More..
For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon.
My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts.
The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head.
But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea.
Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too.
Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.
To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later.
Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas. Read More..
A Humorous Bow Hunting Story
A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse's from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree's blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse's had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg.
With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner.
They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw.
The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."
Read More..
With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner.
They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw.
The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."
Read More..
Thursday, May 21, 2009
John Stewart Lifts Jim Cramer's Skirt
John Stewart, comedic host of the very popular show The Daily Show, interviewed Jim Cramer, host of popular financial show Mad Money, recently and did something no “serious” news show has done to date. He actually asked the questions and voiced the anger and frustrations of millions of Americans who have all but seen their futures dwindle away in “secure” 401k investments and other “safe” havens. From the outset it was clear that this was not going to be one of John’s funny intermingled with occasional sober moment interviews. No, he meant business early on and it also became clear that Jim knew it.
Mr. Stewart pinned Mr. Cramer down in his seat with railroad ties and proceeded to hold to account for video footage of him openly stating that he endorsed manipulation of the market through fake activity and false rumors about competitors, notably mentioning Apple by name. John seemed to almost boil at one point and for one millisecond, Mr. Cramer appeared to believe he was about to be struck. John even held him to task for what mostly everyone has never given a second thought to; Jim’s wild antics and outbursts on his show. He has acted that way for so long that most believed the moments when he appeared calm were only a warp speed moment away from his “true” self coming out, not the other way around.
John got him to all but admit that he was not only guilty of tactics that actually harmed millions of investors, but his wild antics were just that; antics! He stripped Mr. Cramer naked and whipped him in the village square! John deflected every attempt by the desperate Cramer to make a joke and continued to bombard him with the voice of millions behind him. It was a moment to actually be proud of television again.
Like all storms, Hurricane Stewart eventually subsided and Cramer Island, though battered, shattered and looking real haggard, survived. The real hope is that Cramer will be better for it, as he said he would try to be when John had him in one of chokeholds. One thing is for certain though and make no mistake about it. Jim Cramer’s show will never be the same. There is no way he can go back in front of the camera and do the exact same thing he has done for years and be taken seriously anymore.
Who he will be remains to be seen, but the ranting and raving lunatic that we’ve all come to believe in for years is no longer believable, from the mouth of Mr. Cramer himself. Two thumbs up to John Stewart for doing what no anchor on any major network has ever had the courage to do and that was make the ilk of Jim Cramer to finally admit that there was something rotten in Denmark and they knew about it. Now if we could just get John up to a congressional hearing and let him ask a few more questions….
Read More..
Mr. Stewart pinned Mr. Cramer down in his seat with railroad ties and proceeded to hold to account for video footage of him openly stating that he endorsed manipulation of the market through fake activity and false rumors about competitors, notably mentioning Apple by name. John seemed to almost boil at one point and for one millisecond, Mr. Cramer appeared to believe he was about to be struck. John even held him to task for what mostly everyone has never given a second thought to; Jim’s wild antics and outbursts on his show. He has acted that way for so long that most believed the moments when he appeared calm were only a warp speed moment away from his “true” self coming out, not the other way around.
John got him to all but admit that he was not only guilty of tactics that actually harmed millions of investors, but his wild antics were just that; antics! He stripped Mr. Cramer naked and whipped him in the village square! John deflected every attempt by the desperate Cramer to make a joke and continued to bombard him with the voice of millions behind him. It was a moment to actually be proud of television again.
Like all storms, Hurricane Stewart eventually subsided and Cramer Island, though battered, shattered and looking real haggard, survived. The real hope is that Cramer will be better for it, as he said he would try to be when John had him in one of chokeholds. One thing is for certain though and make no mistake about it. Jim Cramer’s show will never be the same. There is no way he can go back in front of the camera and do the exact same thing he has done for years and be taken seriously anymore.
Who he will be remains to be seen, but the ranting and raving lunatic that we’ve all come to believe in for years is no longer believable, from the mouth of Mr. Cramer himself. Two thumbs up to John Stewart for doing what no anchor on any major network has ever had the courage to do and that was make the ilk of Jim Cramer to finally admit that there was something rotten in Denmark and they knew about it. Now if we could just get John up to a congressional hearing and let him ask a few more questions….
Read More..
The Sweaty Truth About The Gym
Here’s a gross one about working out. One morning I woke up exceptionally early. The night before, I made up my mind that I was going to go to the gym and work out, real early. I did this because someone told me that working out early in the morning made for a better work out. So off I went.
I arrived at the gym a little after it opened. I swiped my membership card and headed back to the workout area. Upon entering the gym I noticed that there was only one other person in there with me. This fact didn't bother me at the time and so I payed it no mind. I did my stretching and decided to do some bench press. Now here’s the problem. I thought to myself, “I want to lift a bunch of weight but I need someone to watch me in case something goes wrong.”
I sat there for a minute and then it clicked, “I’ll ask the other guy if he will spot me.” So I did just that. He agreed and we headed to the bench press area. I lay down under the weight and positioned myself. I just expected him to watch but to my surprise he straddled over my head in such a way that his crotch was right in my face.
Now to give you an idea of the level of how uncomfortable the situation was, this is what the guy looked like. He was a short, fat man who was covered in hair. To make matters worse he had tiny little shorts on that were very loose fitting. As if it could get any worse he was sweating like a pig. I tried to put this out of my mind and decided to push through the awkwardness.
“1, 2, and 3...lift” I take the bar and lower down. The first couple of repetitions go smoothly. The more tired I became the closer he squatted, bringing his crotch closer to my face. It was precisely at one of the times he came closer that I noticed a drop of sweat dangling from the crotch area of his paints. I was in mid lift; there was nothing that I could do.
I thought to myself while staring up at this drop, “Oh God, please don’t let it drop, just let me get through this last set, please God.” It was halfway though this prayer when the drop fell and landed in my open mouth. I screamed like a girl, “OH MY GOD, NOOOOO!” I dropped the weight onto my chest, he freaks out and is trying desperately to get the weight off of me. I’m crying out, “OH GOD WHY!” Finally he gets the weight off of me, I said thank you and headed for the exit. Read More..
I arrived at the gym a little after it opened. I swiped my membership card and headed back to the workout area. Upon entering the gym I noticed that there was only one other person in there with me. This fact didn't bother me at the time and so I payed it no mind. I did my stretching and decided to do some bench press. Now here’s the problem. I thought to myself, “I want to lift a bunch of weight but I need someone to watch me in case something goes wrong.”
I sat there for a minute and then it clicked, “I’ll ask the other guy if he will spot me.” So I did just that. He agreed and we headed to the bench press area. I lay down under the weight and positioned myself. I just expected him to watch but to my surprise he straddled over my head in such a way that his crotch was right in my face.
Now to give you an idea of the level of how uncomfortable the situation was, this is what the guy looked like. He was a short, fat man who was covered in hair. To make matters worse he had tiny little shorts on that were very loose fitting. As if it could get any worse he was sweating like a pig. I tried to put this out of my mind and decided to push through the awkwardness.
“1, 2, and 3...lift” I take the bar and lower down. The first couple of repetitions go smoothly. The more tired I became the closer he squatted, bringing his crotch closer to my face. It was precisely at one of the times he came closer that I noticed a drop of sweat dangling from the crotch area of his paints. I was in mid lift; there was nothing that I could do.
I thought to myself while staring up at this drop, “Oh God, please don’t let it drop, just let me get through this last set, please God.” It was halfway though this prayer when the drop fell and landed in my open mouth. I screamed like a girl, “OH MY GOD, NOOOOO!” I dropped the weight onto my chest, he freaks out and is trying desperately to get the weight off of me. I’m crying out, “OH GOD WHY!” Finally he gets the weight off of me, I said thank you and headed for the exit. Read More..
Unemployment Sucks and It's Grabbing Another Straw
As someone who’s been riding the pines while he's looking for work, I can attest to the fact that sitting around broke as that car in the driveway isn’t a happening thing. I mean, sure, there’s bunches of time for trying to find that ever elusive gig, but you can only do it for so long before going absolutely bonkers – and then what? That said, how ‘bout I offer some advice from experience and the humorous side of the fence.
1. Go easy on daytime TV. Trust me – under our circumstances the Price is Never Right, there is no Law and Order, The View ain’t so hot, All My Children only cost you more money, Divorce Court is way too educational, the Squawk on the Street will only make you cry – or jealous, just the name Judge Hatchett presents too many ideas, Springer may be a sign of things to come, and the way you’ve been feeling you’ll start doing Internet searches for Dr. Phil’s office number.
2. Make sure you get up and around. You don’t want your fanny as flat as your wallet.
3. Don’t eat out of boredom. You don’t want your gut as large as your credit card debt.
4. Quit checking your unemployment debit card balance online – no miracles occurred.
5. Take CareerBuilder and Monster in small doses. Between the two of them, checking your debit and credit card balances, and researching top-secret underground military installations, an Internet addiction is knocking at the door. And you can’t afford counseling.
6. Wear protective gloves when you’re rabidly searching for loose change in your car. There’s some pretty icky stuff in there.
7. Stay away from the kid’s piggy banks – they’ll be checking.
8. No, you didn’t leave five twenties in your pants pocket last week. Stay out of the closet.
9. When you can’t sleep, stay away from the TV at 3 a.m. The last thing you need is to get sucked in by one of those phony geeks who made a trillion dollars last month working from home.
10. Make sure you find out what season they’re buying for when you start gathering clothes for the resale store. And, no, they won’t overlook that wine stain on your blouse.
11. Don’t even think about looking for the credit card number Grandma Johnson gave you when she asked you to buy your daughter a birthday present.
12. As ticked as you are at the jerk who fired you, spending hours obsessing over slowly pulling her toe nails out with pliers will only further agitate you. Plus – you may actually try to give it a go. And take that target with her picture on it out of your toilet.
13. Forget about filling time with sex. You can’t afford the Viagra
14. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “The Way We Were” isn’t going to make you feel any better.
15. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “Take This Job and Shove It” just might. Read More..
1. Go easy on daytime TV. Trust me – under our circumstances the Price is Never Right, there is no Law and Order, The View ain’t so hot, All My Children only cost you more money, Divorce Court is way too educational, the Squawk on the Street will only make you cry – or jealous, just the name Judge Hatchett presents too many ideas, Springer may be a sign of things to come, and the way you’ve been feeling you’ll start doing Internet searches for Dr. Phil’s office number.
2. Make sure you get up and around. You don’t want your fanny as flat as your wallet.
3. Don’t eat out of boredom. You don’t want your gut as large as your credit card debt.
4. Quit checking your unemployment debit card balance online – no miracles occurred.
5. Take CareerBuilder and Monster in small doses. Between the two of them, checking your debit and credit card balances, and researching top-secret underground military installations, an Internet addiction is knocking at the door. And you can’t afford counseling.
6. Wear protective gloves when you’re rabidly searching for loose change in your car. There’s some pretty icky stuff in there.
7. Stay away from the kid’s piggy banks – they’ll be checking.
8. No, you didn’t leave five twenties in your pants pocket last week. Stay out of the closet.
9. When you can’t sleep, stay away from the TV at 3 a.m. The last thing you need is to get sucked in by one of those phony geeks who made a trillion dollars last month working from home.
10. Make sure you find out what season they’re buying for when you start gathering clothes for the resale store. And, no, they won’t overlook that wine stain on your blouse.
11. Don’t even think about looking for the credit card number Grandma Johnson gave you when she asked you to buy your daughter a birthday present.
12. As ticked as you are at the jerk who fired you, spending hours obsessing over slowly pulling her toe nails out with pliers will only further agitate you. Plus – you may actually try to give it a go. And take that target with her picture on it out of your toilet.
13. Forget about filling time with sex. You can’t afford the Viagra
14. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “The Way We Were” isn’t going to make you feel any better.
15. Driving by your former place of employment multiple times a day singing “Take This Job and Shove It” just might. Read More..
Goat Jokes & Funny Goats
Humans love hilarious moments. Some crack jokes to make other laugh. Some funny antics of people make others in vicinity to laugh. Many consider animals as funny, hence goats also comes under funny animals. Goats are curious and strange at times. Playful antics of funny goats can make one laugh in a big way.
You can watch a great deal of funny goats’ videos on some television channels, youtube, and other online websites. There is numerous jokes related to goats are there in usage.
When goats become scared they do certain weird stuffs, and it will look extremely funny to us. Goats feel itchy about their heads. Therefore, they search for anything that can help them in scratching. Do not be amazed, they might scratch their head even to our body. There are many bizarre scratching instances involving the goats. While talking about funny goats, their curiosity makes them hilarious.
If you give something say a cap, they will be curious enough to check whether it could eat. Since goats can climb, you might find them in some unusual places out of their curiosity, entangled in mess. Many a time, you will not be able to stop laughing seeing goats kicking down kids and elders. Do not make goats to chase you; you might end up in a funny brawl.
In one sense, the fainting goats are termed as the funny goats. It is because if they are startled or excited their muscles stiffen and hence they faint down. After a few minutes you will find them, jumping and running as if nothing happened. It is quite a funny scene to see a group of fainting goats fainting down together, by deliberately exciting them. The scenery of goats fainting sometimes looks funny though it is painful for them.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim? Billy Jean King.
What do you call a goat with a beard? It is goatee!
Why is it hard to carryon a conversation with a goat? Because they are always butting in.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs? Billy Vanilli.
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call a goat on a mountain? Hillbilly.
Who did the goats vote for as president? Billy Clinton.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university? Billy Dean.
What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
These are some of the popular funny goat jokes.
Kids are quite fond of funny goats and they enjoy playing with them. Kids tease the goats and make them do some silly things. There are some funny goat cartoon characters.
Many companies use the images of funny goats in their merchandises. What a smart way to lure customers, right!
People involved in goat care come across numerous goat jokes as well as funny goats. Goat care becomes enjoyable when the person giving care and the goat enjoys each other’s company.
Goats are so affectionate and playful. Hence, there will be some hilarious moments all the way. Read More..
You can watch a great deal of funny goats’ videos on some television channels, youtube, and other online websites. There is numerous jokes related to goats are there in usage.
When goats become scared they do certain weird stuffs, and it will look extremely funny to us. Goats feel itchy about their heads. Therefore, they search for anything that can help them in scratching. Do not be amazed, they might scratch their head even to our body. There are many bizarre scratching instances involving the goats. While talking about funny goats, their curiosity makes them hilarious.
If you give something say a cap, they will be curious enough to check whether it could eat. Since goats can climb, you might find them in some unusual places out of their curiosity, entangled in mess. Many a time, you will not be able to stop laughing seeing goats kicking down kids and elders. Do not make goats to chase you; you might end up in a funny brawl.
In one sense, the fainting goats are termed as the funny goats. It is because if they are startled or excited their muscles stiffen and hence they faint down. After a few minutes you will find them, jumping and running as if nothing happened. It is quite a funny scene to see a group of fainting goats fainting down together, by deliberately exciting them. The scenery of goats fainting sometimes looks funny though it is painful for them.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim? Billy Jean King.
What do you call a goat with a beard? It is goatee!
Why is it hard to carryon a conversation with a goat? Because they are always butting in.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs? Billy Vanilli.
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call a goat on a mountain? Hillbilly.
Who did the goats vote for as president? Billy Clinton.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university? Billy Dean.
What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
These are some of the popular funny goat jokes.
Kids are quite fond of funny goats and they enjoy playing with them. Kids tease the goats and make them do some silly things. There are some funny goat cartoon characters.
Many companies use the images of funny goats in their merchandises. What a smart way to lure customers, right!
People involved in goat care come across numerous goat jokes as well as funny goats. Goat care becomes enjoyable when the person giving care and the goat enjoys each other’s company.
Goats are so affectionate and playful. Hence, there will be some hilarious moments all the way. Read More..
People in Your Office are Morons!
Every day in every office, someone is misunderstood. It’s the consummate struggle in every office…communication. Could it be that communication is such a challenge because secretly we want to be misunderstood? Could it be that we survive in the workplace by being cryptic and intentionally misunderstood? Maybe if people understood what we really meant, they wouldn’t like it very much.
To break it down to the root of the communication issue, clearly a mismatch exists between what is said in the workplace and what is really meant. Perhaps, it’s because we are all programmed to be “politically correct”. Perhaps we are trying to cover-up our own inadequacies. Perhaps, it’s because we are programmed to “put lipstick on the pig”. Perhaps, we just relish the fun of trying to keep everyone around us guessing.
Let’s take a look at how the office functions today. We stroll around exchanging pleasantries with co-workers, bosses and the people we manage. We exchange thoughts, in private, during one-on-one conversations with our co-workers. We sit in meetings of endless conversation, as we strive to understand what is being said. We filter through piles and piles of emails with conversation chains a mile long. We endure performance reviews where our boss gives us their always valuable input and assessment.
Have you ever had a pleasant conversation with someone at the office and walked away feeling as if you might have been missing something? The look on their face, the tone of their voice – did they just insult you with pleasant conversation? After all, the slightest change in the tone of your voice can deliver a swift slap across the face with a simple “hello!”
Like a meticulously choreographed dance, most conversations in the office take place in our thoughts, not our spoken words. So we decided to take a look at real conversations to find the real meanings.
Let's face it, based on the conversations you have everyday at the office - the people you work with are morons. Read More..
To break it down to the root of the communication issue, clearly a mismatch exists between what is said in the workplace and what is really meant. Perhaps, it’s because we are all programmed to be “politically correct”. Perhaps we are trying to cover-up our own inadequacies. Perhaps, it’s because we are programmed to “put lipstick on the pig”. Perhaps, we just relish the fun of trying to keep everyone around us guessing.
Let’s take a look at how the office functions today. We stroll around exchanging pleasantries with co-workers, bosses and the people we manage. We exchange thoughts, in private, during one-on-one conversations with our co-workers. We sit in meetings of endless conversation, as we strive to understand what is being said. We filter through piles and piles of emails with conversation chains a mile long. We endure performance reviews where our boss gives us their always valuable input and assessment.
Have you ever had a pleasant conversation with someone at the office and walked away feeling as if you might have been missing something? The look on their face, the tone of their voice – did they just insult you with pleasant conversation? After all, the slightest change in the tone of your voice can deliver a swift slap across the face with a simple “hello!”
Like a meticulously choreographed dance, most conversations in the office take place in our thoughts, not our spoken words. So we decided to take a look at real conversations to find the real meanings.
Let's face it, based on the conversations you have everyday at the office - the people you work with are morons. Read More..
Coming to StinksnThings.com!
While it’s not always easy to find unity between those with differing religious beliefs, there are still a few commonalities that every human being shares, and that’s the starting point to a peaceful society. So on April 17, 2009, “take some time to think when you take your time to stink” as you celebrate the sixth annual Poop for Peace day with StinksNThings.com, one of this year’s proud sponsors!
Created five years ago in a bid to unite evildoers in bathrooms across the globe, Poop for Peace Day is just a drop in the proverbial bucket toward achieving a harmonious society. There’s no better way to celebrate Poop for Peace Day than by sharing the stench, and Stinks’ Poo Pen ($2.49) makes a great gift for the little turd in your family. Really do the doo and get a bunch for your classmates: What teacher is going to confiscate 30 crappy pens? Or start a new movement and bring these “Number 2” pens to the office and unite your co-workers.
For those who get sentimental for Poop for Peace Day, capture your lasting memories (and bowel busters) with Stinks’ Poop Photo Frame ($7.99). Coming in at about 6 inches – or the size of last night’s dinner in the bowl – the frame is constructed of high-quality acrylic and holds any 4-by-6-inch image. What better way to make your Poop for Peace Day a permanent stain on your desk and to do your civic doodie?
Or light a candle and celebrate Poop for Peace with Stinks’ Dog Poop Candle ($5.49). This 4-inch-tall vertical candle looks just like the steaming mess your neighbor’s pooch left on your front lawn and comes in two colors – chocolate or powdered snow. Don’t fret, the candles let you create your own celebratory scent.
Don’t miss another Poop for Peace Day with Stinks’ Dog Poop Calendar ($10.99 On sale now for $5.50). Order yours in advance and mark the big day ahead of time and make sure your bombs aren’t for naught. Or get one for a friend as a subtle reminder of just how bad they stink at remembering important dates like Poop for Peace, April Fool’s Day and more.
Go for the canine trifecta with Stinks’ Doggie Doo Keychain ($2.49) and spread the word to your friendly valet – and make sure he never loses your keys again. Throw your office key card onto this and you’ll ensure nobody ever walks away with your keys to the work castle.
Cat lovers can get into Poop for Peace Day, too, with Stinks’ Fake Cat Crap ($2.99). Folded feline fecal matter – nothing says “me-OW” like this does. Add a little of Stinks’ Liquid Ass ($5.99) and really make a mess of things.
So whether you celebrate Easter or Passover or nothing at all, there’s no way Poop for Peace Day can go unrecognized. Don’t just do the doo or drop the bomb, be creative and spread the terd, uh, word and celebrate in style. Get into the spirit; bring your school, office, church, temple, softball team or book club together with gifts from StinksNThings.com. Read More..
Created five years ago in a bid to unite evildoers in bathrooms across the globe, Poop for Peace Day is just a drop in the proverbial bucket toward achieving a harmonious society. There’s no better way to celebrate Poop for Peace Day than by sharing the stench, and Stinks’ Poo Pen ($2.49) makes a great gift for the little turd in your family. Really do the doo and get a bunch for your classmates: What teacher is going to confiscate 30 crappy pens? Or start a new movement and bring these “Number 2” pens to the office and unite your co-workers.
For those who get sentimental for Poop for Peace Day, capture your lasting memories (and bowel busters) with Stinks’ Poop Photo Frame ($7.99). Coming in at about 6 inches – or the size of last night’s dinner in the bowl – the frame is constructed of high-quality acrylic and holds any 4-by-6-inch image. What better way to make your Poop for Peace Day a permanent stain on your desk and to do your civic doodie?
Or light a candle and celebrate Poop for Peace with Stinks’ Dog Poop Candle ($5.49). This 4-inch-tall vertical candle looks just like the steaming mess your neighbor’s pooch left on your front lawn and comes in two colors – chocolate or powdered snow. Don’t fret, the candles let you create your own celebratory scent.
Don’t miss another Poop for Peace Day with Stinks’ Dog Poop Calendar ($10.99 On sale now for $5.50). Order yours in advance and mark the big day ahead of time and make sure your bombs aren’t for naught. Or get one for a friend as a subtle reminder of just how bad they stink at remembering important dates like Poop for Peace, April Fool’s Day and more.
Go for the canine trifecta with Stinks’ Doggie Doo Keychain ($2.49) and spread the word to your friendly valet – and make sure he never loses your keys again. Throw your office key card onto this and you’ll ensure nobody ever walks away with your keys to the work castle.
Cat lovers can get into Poop for Peace Day, too, with Stinks’ Fake Cat Crap ($2.99). Folded feline fecal matter – nothing says “me-OW” like this does. Add a little of Stinks’ Liquid Ass ($5.99) and really make a mess of things.
So whether you celebrate Easter or Passover or nothing at all, there’s no way Poop for Peace Day can go unrecognized. Don’t just do the doo or drop the bomb, be creative and spread the terd, uh, word and celebrate in style. Get into the spirit; bring your school, office, church, temple, softball team or book club together with gifts from StinksNThings.com. Read More..
The Latest In Crime Fighting
Nigel Osprey sits in front of his television set with a can of beer in his hand and slowly raising it and taking a luxurious sip and a sound escapes his wet lips ‘ah…..this is life!’
He is enjoying the sport program on television, holding his favourite brew in his hand as symbol of freedom, whilst stabilising a family size pizza that had just been delivered and now balances precariously on his knees. He notices its steam rising gently and wafting through the air, filling the room with his favourite aroma: ‘food!’
He listens with rapture to his favourite football manager’s ranting.
Yes, he reminds himself with glowing eyes: that manager’s a real man, strong, with a thick-set body and a mouth that continually seems to burst forth outrageous statements! And expletives – admittedly beeped out by a sissy programme editor – seem to stream effortlessly from thick and egotistic lips.
Nigel giggles to himself. He is enjoying these outbursts; they are amusingly insulting and words are being aired that cannot be received over the airwaves because of their earth content – they are too earthy! But one can always lip-read and not missng out, thereby increasing the fun!
Wonderful thoughts are coming to his mind as he takes another strong suck from his beer can: The wife’s gone away, this time for good! The divorce was very disturbing and a real upheaval. She seems to live now with her aunt Gerti in Muckalot in another state - wherever the hell that is.
Her dim-witted cousin Winston had come and picked-up all her belongings. He’s taken a lot, piling it high on a truck, but it was great to see the last of her junk!
From now on, he keeps reminding himself, there is no more screaming at him, no more berating, the home is now quiet and peaceful as there is only he and his cat Benny, who is in complete agreement with him.
He glances around and notices that the room now looks sparsely furnished. His wife, ex-wife to be exact, has left him with the bare necessities! But there is a tranquil light filtering through the sheer curtains, making all the dust visible and yet giving the room a tranquil ambience.
‘This is a man’s paradise’, he thinks, nodding to himself. There are his scattered newspapers, with the sports pages open and soon there will be a few magazines lying around the room he would normally not have dared to buy.
‘It‘s great to be free’, he thinks – it is a wonderful feeling, and he becomes aware of an intoxicating rush rippling through his body, making him sigh in bliss.
Suddenly, there are knocks on the door, rather firm and banging with determination.
‘What on earth…..’ He doesn’t like unforeseen visitors, especially when they are interrupting his favourite television program!
Before he is able to shout ‘Go away!’ it bangs again, this time with an added touch of impatience and very annoying! He feels his fury rising.
Opening the door somewhat to avoid further noise, he becomes aware of two men who were obviously detectives, identifiable by their tight fitting suits and felt hats – ‘who wears hats, nowadays?’ he observes. Behind them jostled a fat policeman with a television news team, complete with camera man and sound technician.
The detectives worry him - right from his first glance at them he has this gut feeling that they spelt troubles. These two men had faces so leathery and weather beaten and with darting eyes that, when making eye contact, seem to yank out any secrets a person might want to withhold.
They are with a third man, a kind of professor type, with thick glasses, holding a clipboard in his hands.
The news team is getting visibly exited, starting to push their way closer to Nigel. They are of the delicate type, colourfully dressed, ‘very pansy-like’, Nigel observes.
They are holding their various apparatuses as if they were doing the public, and humanity in general, a great favour! ‘But what is this all about?’ his thoughts keep racing through his mind.
Before he could think straight and absorb all this gathering, one of the detectives, with a face like a constipated bulldog, with eyes that were big and bloodshot and darting everywhere, held out a shiny metal plaque.
‘Homicide!’ he rasps, ‘Are you Nigel Osprey?’
And he did not wait for a reply – so sure was he of his case.
‘You are under arrest for the murder of a Mrs.Emilia Prattlelot…, your ex wife!’
‘W..w..w.whaaaat?’ Nigel could only gasp incredulously.
‘That’s right!’ You heard!’ This bellow comes out of non-existent lips.
‘Come with me now. Come on, come on…..’ A huge fat hand reaches out to grab him.
‘What are you talking about?’
Nigel instinctively tries to close the door in an attempt to shut out this hostile crowd.
Unfortunately, this Robert-Mitchum-look-alike has big feet – very big, they reach the door gap, thereby preventing its closing.
The third man, the one looking like a boffin, but with the same non-descript clothes, had white hair and probably a large bald spot that, too, is covered by the old-fashioned hat. His pronounced features were thick spectacles – very thick. They were so pronounced that they seem to convex out in an attempt to reach him, with two tiny black spots showing that are trying to hypnotise him – they were either his pupils or the dots flies had left on his glasses.
‘We know’ escaped his stern lips. His Adam’s apple moved up and down his scrawny throat with a collar that was far too big, giving the impression of shrinking whilst on duty!
The policeman, was in a uniform that tries to control his excessive weight by compressing it severely. But it only shifted his blubber downwards, manifesting itself in legs like concrete crushers, with rather gigantic, broad feet.
Now, he too, tried to get into the act: Come out, quick!’ it escapes his thick lips.
Nigel feels that it is time to say something:
‘Look, I haven’t done anything to anybody – I just wish to be left alone’. He forcefully through his weight against the door, as hard as he could, jamming that giant’s foot as hard as he could – with no effect.
‘He must have a prosthesis’, he observes as the man’s features betray nothing.
The man with the thick goggles explained:
‘We are from PCU, Predictive Crime-fighting Unit, based at police headquarters……’
‘I don’t give a fig what you are – I haven’t done anything and my meal is getting cold’
(He didn’t shout exactly ‘fig’, but this writer is of good upbringing and would not know how to spell the exact expletive!)
Nigel keeps banging the door against the detective’s shoe - a useless exercise.
‘Hey’, shouts the man with the microphone, ‘can you come out a bit and give us a smile – you will be on the news tonight!’
Amazed, Nigel opened the door and steppes outside. ‘What news? What are you talking about?’
The reporter was quite friendly; ‘Our government has installed a new supercomputer that not only records all the crimes in this state, keeps statistics as to their frequency and type……..’
The scientist took over:’ With all the demographic details, and the time-span, motive and all other relevant personality traits of the perpetrators, we are now able to forecast where a crime will happen, by whom, the reason, et cetera, et cetera’, letting the Latin words dissolve on his tongue.
He looked really exited about this new era of crime fighting. His hand, holding the pen, seem to write something unseen in the air.
‘What rubbish! I ‘aven’t done anything and that’s it. Leave me alone – the lot of you!’
His eyes encompassed everybody and his chin pointed especially at the reporter and his team. Blood is draining from his face and suddenly he feels so alone and helpless.
‘This is a nightmare! How do I get out of this?’ his thoughts keep racing. And there are now signs of perspiration on his forehead.
‘Come with us – come on, come on!’ The hefty detective uttered these words like a busy landlord reminding his patrons of closing time.
‘Just to show you how accurate we are,’ the scientist tries to demonstrate eagerly, ‘You’ve ordered a pizza for dinner, with extra anchovies and mushrooms.’ Staring at his clipboard folder in his hand, he rattled off the words.
Stunned silence prevailed.
‘Well, yes, but…..’
‘Come on, come with us. Don’t give us any troubles.’ The mountain-man began tucking at his arm again - a symbol of his impatience.
‘Leggo of me - I ‘aven’t done anything!’
Nigel’s cry now sounds a bit more desperate.
Staring at his clip board folder, the scientist eagerly continues:
‘You’ve ordered this from an outlet called Pizza Paradise – did you not? Then you fed your cat – didn’t you? Also, you rang your friend Alfredo, inviting him for the evening?’
The last sentence was shouted with disgust.
In the background, the television anchorman started to talk into a microphone, explaining to his unseen viewers this great new technology, with the eager face of an expert and an uneasy stomach because he was not sure what exactly he was talking about.
Standing on a nature strip, he notices that this was not the only thing he was standing on. Don’t people believe in picking up after their dogs?
Now the policeman gets into the act: ‘You have a brother called Arthur who lives in England. And a cousin in Townsville, called Edward, - right? And your car number is ……’ Raising his voice in triumph he finishes:
‘Your ex-wife will arrive any moment now, attempt to take custody of the dog, leaving you with the cat. And then it will happen!’
He nodded at the increasing number of spectators. Justice is being done – everybody can see this!
A new person, female, approaches the crowd. She is somewhat dowdily dressed, with a headscarf and showing an expertly way of pushing and shoving her way into the crowd and through it.
Nearly reaching Nigel, she nods at him.
‘Stop! Where do you thing you are going? And who are you anyway?’ The policeman held up a meaty hand with sausage fingers.
‘Let me through, I must see Nigel!’
The detective tried to state a fact:
‘So, you are Emilia Prattlelot, the ex-wife?’
The gathered crowd outside the door stiffens; they look at each other, nodding ‘I told you so!’ Then they step back somewhat, aware that they are facing a cataclysmic moment.
‘No, I am Sally the cleaner! I am here to pick up my pay for the house cleaning. She looked at Nigel, holding out a hand: ‘You promised you’ll have the eighty-five dollars for me…..’
Nigel gasped: ’Of course, Sally, eighty five-dollars did you say? No problem! Reaching into his back pocket he produced his wallet and carefully counts out the money into her upheld palm.
Staring at the money piling-up in her hand, she readily gives information to the questions. Yes, she comes regularly and this afternoon is her pay-day.
Great consternation is spreading and the police suddenly look deeply wounded: It is supposed to be the time of murder!
There are frantic phone calls to the police head offices and phones are ringing in reply, back and forth.
‘Thanks, Nigel, see you soon!’ Sally disappears with the same amount of determination she came with, but this time with an added touch of triumph.
For some reason the group of police are looking pale and stunned. The scientist staring into his clipboard folder was suddenly red-faced, the police crowded around him, all attempting to look knowingly.
‘There is no mention of a Sally!’ The geek with the thick glasses seems to have his eyes protruding like on stalks.
‘The wife is not here, but a cleaning woman turns up…..’
First, a murmur goes through the crowd, then a kind of rebellion starts spreading. Mumbling first disappointment, then loud sounds of dissatisfaction about the police in general and the law begins to be aired.
The television team hurriedly pack-up their various equipment with downcast expressions whilst their bus driver starts the engine. Now, they have no story to report!
People are walking away, disgusted and in all directions, having been cheated out of a real drama.
The people of the law are still making frantic phone calls to their head offices, especially to their computer department.
‘Goggle-eyes’ stares at his mobile as if he cannot believe what he’s just heard, Fatso tries to crush his phone in his meaty hand and the bulldog’s blood-shot eyes keep staring in disbelief at the scientist’s computer readout.
But after a while they, too, withdraw, making their exit with a final glare at Nigel: ‘We will be back,’ their looks seem to say.
Everybody withdraws – the new, crime-predicting, computer has made a mistake!
Leaving Nigel standing outside his door, alone and scratching his head. Shrugging his shoulders he murmurs:
‘Who the hell is Sally?’ Read More..
He is enjoying the sport program on television, holding his favourite brew in his hand as symbol of freedom, whilst stabilising a family size pizza that had just been delivered and now balances precariously on his knees. He notices its steam rising gently and wafting through the air, filling the room with his favourite aroma: ‘food!’
He listens with rapture to his favourite football manager’s ranting.
Yes, he reminds himself with glowing eyes: that manager’s a real man, strong, with a thick-set body and a mouth that continually seems to burst forth outrageous statements! And expletives – admittedly beeped out by a sissy programme editor – seem to stream effortlessly from thick and egotistic lips.
Nigel giggles to himself. He is enjoying these outbursts; they are amusingly insulting and words are being aired that cannot be received over the airwaves because of their earth content – they are too earthy! But one can always lip-read and not missng out, thereby increasing the fun!
Wonderful thoughts are coming to his mind as he takes another strong suck from his beer can: The wife’s gone away, this time for good! The divorce was very disturbing and a real upheaval. She seems to live now with her aunt Gerti in Muckalot in another state - wherever the hell that is.
Her dim-witted cousin Winston had come and picked-up all her belongings. He’s taken a lot, piling it high on a truck, but it was great to see the last of her junk!
From now on, he keeps reminding himself, there is no more screaming at him, no more berating, the home is now quiet and peaceful as there is only he and his cat Benny, who is in complete agreement with him.
He glances around and notices that the room now looks sparsely furnished. His wife, ex-wife to be exact, has left him with the bare necessities! But there is a tranquil light filtering through the sheer curtains, making all the dust visible and yet giving the room a tranquil ambience.
‘This is a man’s paradise’, he thinks, nodding to himself. There are his scattered newspapers, with the sports pages open and soon there will be a few magazines lying around the room he would normally not have dared to buy.
‘It‘s great to be free’, he thinks – it is a wonderful feeling, and he becomes aware of an intoxicating rush rippling through his body, making him sigh in bliss.
Suddenly, there are knocks on the door, rather firm and banging with determination.
‘What on earth…..’ He doesn’t like unforeseen visitors, especially when they are interrupting his favourite television program!
Before he is able to shout ‘Go away!’ it bangs again, this time with an added touch of impatience and very annoying! He feels his fury rising.
Opening the door somewhat to avoid further noise, he becomes aware of two men who were obviously detectives, identifiable by their tight fitting suits and felt hats – ‘who wears hats, nowadays?’ he observes. Behind them jostled a fat policeman with a television news team, complete with camera man and sound technician.
The detectives worry him - right from his first glance at them he has this gut feeling that they spelt troubles. These two men had faces so leathery and weather beaten and with darting eyes that, when making eye contact, seem to yank out any secrets a person might want to withhold.
They are with a third man, a kind of professor type, with thick glasses, holding a clipboard in his hands.
The news team is getting visibly exited, starting to push their way closer to Nigel. They are of the delicate type, colourfully dressed, ‘very pansy-like’, Nigel observes.
They are holding their various apparatuses as if they were doing the public, and humanity in general, a great favour! ‘But what is this all about?’ his thoughts keep racing through his mind.
Before he could think straight and absorb all this gathering, one of the detectives, with a face like a constipated bulldog, with eyes that were big and bloodshot and darting everywhere, held out a shiny metal plaque.
‘Homicide!’ he rasps, ‘Are you Nigel Osprey?’
And he did not wait for a reply – so sure was he of his case.
‘You are under arrest for the murder of a Mrs.Emilia Prattlelot…, your ex wife!’
‘W..w..w.whaaaat?’ Nigel could only gasp incredulously.
‘That’s right!’ You heard!’ This bellow comes out of non-existent lips.
‘Come with me now. Come on, come on…..’ A huge fat hand reaches out to grab him.
‘What are you talking about?’
Nigel instinctively tries to close the door in an attempt to shut out this hostile crowd.
Unfortunately, this Robert-Mitchum-look-alike has big feet – very big, they reach the door gap, thereby preventing its closing.
The third man, the one looking like a boffin, but with the same non-descript clothes, had white hair and probably a large bald spot that, too, is covered by the old-fashioned hat. His pronounced features were thick spectacles – very thick. They were so pronounced that they seem to convex out in an attempt to reach him, with two tiny black spots showing that are trying to hypnotise him – they were either his pupils or the dots flies had left on his glasses.
‘We know’ escaped his stern lips. His Adam’s apple moved up and down his scrawny throat with a collar that was far too big, giving the impression of shrinking whilst on duty!
The policeman, was in a uniform that tries to control his excessive weight by compressing it severely. But it only shifted his blubber downwards, manifesting itself in legs like concrete crushers, with rather gigantic, broad feet.
Now, he too, tried to get into the act: Come out, quick!’ it escapes his thick lips.
Nigel feels that it is time to say something:
‘Look, I haven’t done anything to anybody – I just wish to be left alone’. He forcefully through his weight against the door, as hard as he could, jamming that giant’s foot as hard as he could – with no effect.
‘He must have a prosthesis’, he observes as the man’s features betray nothing.
The man with the thick goggles explained:
‘We are from PCU, Predictive Crime-fighting Unit, based at police headquarters……’
‘I don’t give a fig what you are – I haven’t done anything and my meal is getting cold’
(He didn’t shout exactly ‘fig’, but this writer is of good upbringing and would not know how to spell the exact expletive!)
Nigel keeps banging the door against the detective’s shoe - a useless exercise.
‘Hey’, shouts the man with the microphone, ‘can you come out a bit and give us a smile – you will be on the news tonight!’
Amazed, Nigel opened the door and steppes outside. ‘What news? What are you talking about?’
The reporter was quite friendly; ‘Our government has installed a new supercomputer that not only records all the crimes in this state, keeps statistics as to their frequency and type……..’
The scientist took over:’ With all the demographic details, and the time-span, motive and all other relevant personality traits of the perpetrators, we are now able to forecast where a crime will happen, by whom, the reason, et cetera, et cetera’, letting the Latin words dissolve on his tongue.
He looked really exited about this new era of crime fighting. His hand, holding the pen, seem to write something unseen in the air.
‘What rubbish! I ‘aven’t done anything and that’s it. Leave me alone – the lot of you!’
His eyes encompassed everybody and his chin pointed especially at the reporter and his team. Blood is draining from his face and suddenly he feels so alone and helpless.
‘This is a nightmare! How do I get out of this?’ his thoughts keep racing. And there are now signs of perspiration on his forehead.
‘Come with us – come on, come on!’ The hefty detective uttered these words like a busy landlord reminding his patrons of closing time.
‘Just to show you how accurate we are,’ the scientist tries to demonstrate eagerly, ‘You’ve ordered a pizza for dinner, with extra anchovies and mushrooms.’ Staring at his clipboard folder in his hand, he rattled off the words.
Stunned silence prevailed.
‘Well, yes, but…..’
‘Come on, come with us. Don’t give us any troubles.’ The mountain-man began tucking at his arm again - a symbol of his impatience.
‘Leggo of me - I ‘aven’t done anything!’
Nigel’s cry now sounds a bit more desperate.
Staring at his clip board folder, the scientist eagerly continues:
‘You’ve ordered this from an outlet called Pizza Paradise – did you not? Then you fed your cat – didn’t you? Also, you rang your friend Alfredo, inviting him for the evening?’
The last sentence was shouted with disgust.
In the background, the television anchorman started to talk into a microphone, explaining to his unseen viewers this great new technology, with the eager face of an expert and an uneasy stomach because he was not sure what exactly he was talking about.
Standing on a nature strip, he notices that this was not the only thing he was standing on. Don’t people believe in picking up after their dogs?
Now the policeman gets into the act: ‘You have a brother called Arthur who lives in England. And a cousin in Townsville, called Edward, - right? And your car number is ……’ Raising his voice in triumph he finishes:
‘Your ex-wife will arrive any moment now, attempt to take custody of the dog, leaving you with the cat. And then it will happen!’
He nodded at the increasing number of spectators. Justice is being done – everybody can see this!
A new person, female, approaches the crowd. She is somewhat dowdily dressed, with a headscarf and showing an expertly way of pushing and shoving her way into the crowd and through it.
Nearly reaching Nigel, she nods at him.
‘Stop! Where do you thing you are going? And who are you anyway?’ The policeman held up a meaty hand with sausage fingers.
‘Let me through, I must see Nigel!’
The detective tried to state a fact:
‘So, you are Emilia Prattlelot, the ex-wife?’
The gathered crowd outside the door stiffens; they look at each other, nodding ‘I told you so!’ Then they step back somewhat, aware that they are facing a cataclysmic moment.
‘No, I am Sally the cleaner! I am here to pick up my pay for the house cleaning. She looked at Nigel, holding out a hand: ‘You promised you’ll have the eighty-five dollars for me…..’
Nigel gasped: ’Of course, Sally, eighty five-dollars did you say? No problem! Reaching into his back pocket he produced his wallet and carefully counts out the money into her upheld palm.
Staring at the money piling-up in her hand, she readily gives information to the questions. Yes, she comes regularly and this afternoon is her pay-day.
Great consternation is spreading and the police suddenly look deeply wounded: It is supposed to be the time of murder!
There are frantic phone calls to the police head offices and phones are ringing in reply, back and forth.
‘Thanks, Nigel, see you soon!’ Sally disappears with the same amount of determination she came with, but this time with an added touch of triumph.
For some reason the group of police are looking pale and stunned. The scientist staring into his clipboard folder was suddenly red-faced, the police crowded around him, all attempting to look knowingly.
‘There is no mention of a Sally!’ The geek with the thick glasses seems to have his eyes protruding like on stalks.
‘The wife is not here, but a cleaning woman turns up…..’
First, a murmur goes through the crowd, then a kind of rebellion starts spreading. Mumbling first disappointment, then loud sounds of dissatisfaction about the police in general and the law begins to be aired.
The television team hurriedly pack-up their various equipment with downcast expressions whilst their bus driver starts the engine. Now, they have no story to report!
People are walking away, disgusted and in all directions, having been cheated out of a real drama.
The people of the law are still making frantic phone calls to their head offices, especially to their computer department.
‘Goggle-eyes’ stares at his mobile as if he cannot believe what he’s just heard, Fatso tries to crush his phone in his meaty hand and the bulldog’s blood-shot eyes keep staring in disbelief at the scientist’s computer readout.
But after a while they, too, withdraw, making their exit with a final glare at Nigel: ‘We will be back,’ their looks seem to say.
Everybody withdraws – the new, crime-predicting, computer has made a mistake!
Leaving Nigel standing outside his door, alone and scratching his head. Shrugging his shoulders he murmurs:
‘Who the hell is Sally?’ Read More..
Don't Read This If You Love Your Mother-in-Law
Just in Time for Mother's Day
If you have never wanted to play a little joke on your mother-in-law then maybe this gift guide isn't for you. On the other hand, if there has been no love lost in your relationship and you want to make your mother-in-law's life as miserable as she's made yours, here are a few ideas to satisfy that dark side and have a little fun in the process.
Complicated Universal Remote
No universal remote, that we're aware of, configures itself but some of these devices can drive people crazy. One unit that comes up below average from Retrevo's value and user sentiment ratings is the Philips SRU9600 which gets mixed reviews and costs just under $100. Some users complain about the ease-of-use on Sony RM-AX4000 which costs a little over $100. You can provide hours of frustration and misery for your mother in-law as she tries to configure or use one of the remotes.
Just About Any Wireless Router
Dump a wireless router in the lap of your mother in-law, tell her all about the joys of wireless computing and then split. Just don't answer the phone for a few days while she tries to configure the router to get it to talk to the ten pound laptop you recommended she buy. The Linksys WRVS4400N gets below average sentiment ratings along with the Netgear WNR854T. Save those phone messages too! They may provide hours of entertainment enjoyment to you and all your friends.
GPS Devices Guaranteed to Get Your Mother-in-Law Lost
Whether it's a small handheld GPS or one on the car dashboard, GPS devices are supposed to make it easy to enter destinations and then get to them. The Magellan Triton 1500 and Alpine PMD-B200 show up on the bottom of Retrevo's list for good value and ratings. So when your mother in-law complains about the GPS you bought her, just say, "I've never had any trouble using my GPS."
Cameras That Takes Blurry Pictures
Buying a digital camera that takes lousy pictures may be harder than you think. Most cameras are idiot proof and some of the better cameras with image stabilization and face technology make it downright hard to take a bad picture. So providing your mother in-law with an idiot-proof product that can make her feel like an idiot is priceless. Retrevo can recommend a couple of real bargains in the extreme low-end camera category that will most likely take a less than perfect picture. The Argus DC1512 barely has enough mega pixels to be called a camera and can be purchased for under $30 while the Micro Innovations 3120 costs even less at $10.80 and also gets low ratings.
Cheap MP3 Player
Your mother-in-law won't be the envy of her bridge club with these low-end MP3 players and they probably won't sound that great either. The Coby MP-C756 MP3 player barely has enough memory to hold a few songs and doesn't get the greatest ratings while the Nextar MA933A holds even fewer songs than the Coby and gets low marks for the display quality. One reviewer notes that the font was "too small for older eyes." Perfect!
Now Seriously Folks. . .
We all know you would never do anything like this to your poor old mother-in-law so just in case you want to get yourself or someone you love the best values in gadgets or gear, you can find reviews and manuals for all popular electronics like GPS, HDTV, Digital Cameras, Camcorders, and more on Retrevo.com
Read More..
If you have never wanted to play a little joke on your mother-in-law then maybe this gift guide isn't for you. On the other hand, if there has been no love lost in your relationship and you want to make your mother-in-law's life as miserable as she's made yours, here are a few ideas to satisfy that dark side and have a little fun in the process.
Complicated Universal Remote
No universal remote, that we're aware of, configures itself but some of these devices can drive people crazy. One unit that comes up below average from Retrevo's value and user sentiment ratings is the Philips SRU9600 which gets mixed reviews and costs just under $100. Some users complain about the ease-of-use on Sony RM-AX4000 which costs a little over $100. You can provide hours of frustration and misery for your mother in-law as she tries to configure or use one of the remotes.
Just About Any Wireless Router
Dump a wireless router in the lap of your mother in-law, tell her all about the joys of wireless computing and then split. Just don't answer the phone for a few days while she tries to configure the router to get it to talk to the ten pound laptop you recommended she buy. The Linksys WRVS4400N gets below average sentiment ratings along with the Netgear WNR854T. Save those phone messages too! They may provide hours of entertainment enjoyment to you and all your friends.
GPS Devices Guaranteed to Get Your Mother-in-Law Lost
Whether it's a small handheld GPS or one on the car dashboard, GPS devices are supposed to make it easy to enter destinations and then get to them. The Magellan Triton 1500 and Alpine PMD-B200 show up on the bottom of Retrevo's list for good value and ratings. So when your mother in-law complains about the GPS you bought her, just say, "I've never had any trouble using my GPS."
Cameras That Takes Blurry Pictures
Buying a digital camera that takes lousy pictures may be harder than you think. Most cameras are idiot proof and some of the better cameras with image stabilization and face technology make it downright hard to take a bad picture. So providing your mother in-law with an idiot-proof product that can make her feel like an idiot is priceless. Retrevo can recommend a couple of real bargains in the extreme low-end camera category that will most likely take a less than perfect picture. The Argus DC1512 barely has enough mega pixels to be called a camera and can be purchased for under $30 while the Micro Innovations 3120 costs even less at $10.80 and also gets low ratings.
Cheap MP3 Player
Your mother-in-law won't be the envy of her bridge club with these low-end MP3 players and they probably won't sound that great either. The Coby MP-C756 MP3 player barely has enough memory to hold a few songs and doesn't get the greatest ratings while the Nextar MA933A holds even fewer songs than the Coby and gets low marks for the display quality. One reviewer notes that the font was "too small for older eyes." Perfect!
Now Seriously Folks. . .
We all know you would never do anything like this to your poor old mother-in-law so just in case you want to get yourself or someone you love the best values in gadgets or gear, you can find reviews and manuals for all popular electronics like GPS, HDTV, Digital Cameras, Camcorders, and more on Retrevo.com
Read More..
Are Prank Calls Legal in the UK & Ireland?
That's the question many pranksters are asking, especially given the recent rise in celebrities such as Russell Brand appearing in the media for prank calling offenses.
Information on the legality of making prank calls is very confusing, mainly because they are a collection of conflicting views. So let's clear that up...
Prank Call Myths:
* Prank calls are illegal
* You cannot prank call someone at random
* Recording a prank call is not allowed
Prank calls are perfectly legal as long as you understand the specific boundaries in place and why they are there. The regulations are very simple, but require you do not act in breach of them as you can be reported for various different violations.
What's Not Allowed:
* Making threats and saying abusive things
* Recording a prank call containing personal information and making it public without the consent of the person involved as this violates their data protection rights
* Impersonating a person of legal authority, for example a police officer
* Prank calls made to emergency services with false information
* Repeat calls to the same person may be grounds for malicious calling as it may cause distress
In short, prank calls are legal as long as you stick to the basic rules above. Usually the best prank calls consist of winding up someone in order to cause humiliation.
These sort of pranks are a lot more satisfying when played on someone you know, as you will be able to hear their reactions and make fun of them for a long time to come!
As a telecom provider of prank call services, we are governed by strict laws regarding the content of our prank calls, so we can guarantee that you can have the most fun with the most peace of mind. Read More..
Information on the legality of making prank calls is very confusing, mainly because they are a collection of conflicting views. So let's clear that up...
Prank Call Myths:
* Prank calls are illegal
* You cannot prank call someone at random
* Recording a prank call is not allowed
Prank calls are perfectly legal as long as you understand the specific boundaries in place and why they are there. The regulations are very simple, but require you do not act in breach of them as you can be reported for various different violations.
What's Not Allowed:
* Making threats and saying abusive things
* Recording a prank call containing personal information and making it public without the consent of the person involved as this violates their data protection rights
* Impersonating a person of legal authority, for example a police officer
* Prank calls made to emergency services with false information
* Repeat calls to the same person may be grounds for malicious calling as it may cause distress
In short, prank calls are legal as long as you stick to the basic rules above. Usually the best prank calls consist of winding up someone in order to cause humiliation.
These sort of pranks are a lot more satisfying when played on someone you know, as you will be able to hear their reactions and make fun of them for a long time to come!
As a telecom provider of prank call services, we are governed by strict laws regarding the content of our prank calls, so we can guarantee that you can have the most fun with the most peace of mind. Read More..
Automated Prank Calls using A.I. Technology?
If you're the sort of person who likes to make prank calls and wind people up in general you'll probably be aware of the many prank call sites on the internet, offering a choice of automated phone windups to play anytime.
The thing is, like every category of services, picking the best site to run with can sometimes be a challenge.
Obviously, the best prank calls are the most convincing, and to achieve convincing prank calls you will need to make sure the prank call service itself is the real deal.
After all, the fun is in reeling someone in and humiliating them at the end right?
But you won't find out if you're "victim" hangs up! You would have just wasted you're money for nothing.
So how can you make sure you're getting the best?
There are 2 main types of automated prank calls service. One is a simple recorded prank call system which plays a recording to your victim hoping that it will achieve a response, but in reality is not credible at all and usually gets picked up on right away. Not much use.
The other uses Artificial Intelligence technology to actually interact with what your victim says just like a normal conversation. The system also "knows" when to take breaks and let them speak and when to ask different questions depending on their reaction. This is the type you want. This type of service also allows you to listen in secretly to your victim's reaction and they won't be able to hear you laugh out loud!
Prank Call Services that use this A.I. technology usually offer a much higher standard & wider range of prank calls to choose from, using professional voice actors to produce them.
When it comes to choosing a Prank Call Site, make sure you only use the best. After all, it's no fun when the person you are calling hangs up the phone after a few seconds is it?
Read More..
The thing is, like every category of services, picking the best site to run with can sometimes be a challenge.
Obviously, the best prank calls are the most convincing, and to achieve convincing prank calls you will need to make sure the prank call service itself is the real deal.
After all, the fun is in reeling someone in and humiliating them at the end right?
But you won't find out if you're "victim" hangs up! You would have just wasted you're money for nothing.
So how can you make sure you're getting the best?
There are 2 main types of automated prank calls service. One is a simple recorded prank call system which plays a recording to your victim hoping that it will achieve a response, but in reality is not credible at all and usually gets picked up on right away. Not much use.
The other uses Artificial Intelligence technology to actually interact with what your victim says just like a normal conversation. The system also "knows" when to take breaks and let them speak and when to ask different questions depending on their reaction. This is the type you want. This type of service also allows you to listen in secretly to your victim's reaction and they won't be able to hear you laugh out loud!
Prank Call Services that use this A.I. technology usually offer a much higher standard & wider range of prank calls to choose from, using professional voice actors to produce them.
When it comes to choosing a Prank Call Site, make sure you only use the best. After all, it's no fun when the person you are calling hangs up the phone after a few seconds is it?
Read More..
Prank Call Ideas - 5 Step Formula to Create Hilarious Prank Calls!
Prank Calls can be a lot of fun, but not when you're sitting there waiting for a decent idea to spring up. It can get very boring.
As you can probably recall, these sort of pranks calls usually end up turning into very unconvincing stories, silly amounts of laughter and the phone being slammed down by the other person more or less straight away, which is no fun.
The most convincing and rewarding prank calls arise from keeping your "victim" on the phone for as long as possible, thereby making them believe that every word you are saying is true and generally making them looking like a bit of a buffoon.
Prank call masters know what it takes in order to pull the most outrageous pranks off. Read on to find out how you can too using our special formula.
Prank Call Examples
There are a lot of prank call videos on YouTube, but apart from being fun to watch, they won't help you generate your own prank ideas by themselves, and trying to replicate a prank call seen elsewhere will often sound false.
What you need is a formula...
A formula is very useful in this situation because it will allow you to plug in your own ideas under the different headings below and come up with something that will go down a treat. A good way to explain how the formula works is to refer to an actual prank call, which we will do below.
The Headings
Introduction - Introduce Yourself.
They say it's important to make a good first impression. Well the same goes for creating a good prank call.
You need to captivate your "victim" and make them curious. Saying something out of the blue or random during the first 5 seconds will usually sound the alarms and will either cause them to hang up or get angry and then hang up!
The conversation has to be very believable. Watch this video on YouTube to see what I mean (Come back though!) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDui3KQwG6c.
The pranksters start by introducing themselves with phony names to add credibility and start the conversation off.
Create a situation.
Make your "victim" curious and interested in what you are saying. Engage them in easy to understand conversation and listen to their reaction. This allows you to build a topic for the call and also explore their limits aswell. It's really an extension of the introduction.
Listen to how the pranksters start talking about the new local school that is about to open...
Ask some questions.
Asking simple and non private questions work well to get them talking. This is the key foundation work to build up credibility. Only ask questions after you've followed the above introductions, otherwise most people will get paranoid and hang up or act closed, which is not something you want to deal with during a prank call.
Remember the goal of the prank is to reel your "victim" in and then eventually humiliate them in some way. See how the pranksters in the video get the man talking with some simple questions and innocent conversation and smoothly make the transition to the actual windup thay have in store.
Making the transition.
A good way to bridge the gap between innocent conversation and your outrageous line-up is to bring in the element of confusion. If you watched the video you will have heard this transition start at about 2:26.
A soon as they react with surprise, it's time to increase the heat and pile on the humiliation.
Unleashing the prank.
Now that you've reached this stage of the prank call, it's time to have some fun.
You can now say outrageous things, ask strange questions and listen to the responses whilst the person still actually believes it's a genuine call.
There are many options available from here, but remember, the more convincing, the more you can get away with and the more fun you will have.
The best way to prepare for a prank call is to write the headlings down on a piece of paper and use bullet points to act as a quick reference if you get lost. Read More..
As you can probably recall, these sort of pranks calls usually end up turning into very unconvincing stories, silly amounts of laughter and the phone being slammed down by the other person more or less straight away, which is no fun.
The most convincing and rewarding prank calls arise from keeping your "victim" on the phone for as long as possible, thereby making them believe that every word you are saying is true and generally making them looking like a bit of a buffoon.
Prank call masters know what it takes in order to pull the most outrageous pranks off. Read on to find out how you can too using our special formula.
Prank Call Examples
There are a lot of prank call videos on YouTube, but apart from being fun to watch, they won't help you generate your own prank ideas by themselves, and trying to replicate a prank call seen elsewhere will often sound false.
What you need is a formula...
A formula is very useful in this situation because it will allow you to plug in your own ideas under the different headings below and come up with something that will go down a treat. A good way to explain how the formula works is to refer to an actual prank call, which we will do below.
The Headings
Introduction - Introduce Yourself.
They say it's important to make a good first impression. Well the same goes for creating a good prank call.
You need to captivate your "victim" and make them curious. Saying something out of the blue or random during the first 5 seconds will usually sound the alarms and will either cause them to hang up or get angry and then hang up!
The conversation has to be very believable. Watch this video on YouTube to see what I mean (Come back though!) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDui3KQwG6c.
The pranksters start by introducing themselves with phony names to add credibility and start the conversation off.
Create a situation.
Make your "victim" curious and interested in what you are saying. Engage them in easy to understand conversation and listen to their reaction. This allows you to build a topic for the call and also explore their limits aswell. It's really an extension of the introduction.
Listen to how the pranksters start talking about the new local school that is about to open...
Ask some questions.
Asking simple and non private questions work well to get them talking. This is the key foundation work to build up credibility. Only ask questions after you've followed the above introductions, otherwise most people will get paranoid and hang up or act closed, which is not something you want to deal with during a prank call.
Remember the goal of the prank is to reel your "victim" in and then eventually humiliate them in some way. See how the pranksters in the video get the man talking with some simple questions and innocent conversation and smoothly make the transition to the actual windup thay have in store.
Making the transition.
A good way to bridge the gap between innocent conversation and your outrageous line-up is to bring in the element of confusion. If you watched the video you will have heard this transition start at about 2:26.
A soon as they react with surprise, it's time to increase the heat and pile on the humiliation.
Unleashing the prank.
Now that you've reached this stage of the prank call, it's time to have some fun.
You can now say outrageous things, ask strange questions and listen to the responses whilst the person still actually believes it's a genuine call.
There are many options available from here, but remember, the more convincing, the more you can get away with and the more fun you will have.
The best way to prepare for a prank call is to write the headlings down on a piece of paper and use bullet points to act as a quick reference if you get lost. Read More..
How to Get Revenge on Your Ex in 1 Easy Step
Breaking up from any relationship can be hard, and sometimes it can't be avoided or you grow apart for whatever reason; and that’s easier to accept; easier than if you ended on a bad note or worse still, there were lies or cheating involved.
If you're reading this article then it's likely that you have bad feelings about your breakup, especially if you were lied to or still don't know what happened, leaving a feeling of hurt and betrayal.
So what can you do?
Well first of all, putting aside your feelings for a second may reveal that all you want is for them to feel the same they made you feel, rather than win them back. After all, do you really want to date someone who is untrustworthy?
If you have a sense of humour, then you're in luck, but if you haven't you might want to get one before you read on...
Humiliation is a great way to get back at your ex, but in order to be successful you have to be convincing. Any element of "being discovered" is probably going to humiliate you more than them.
If you know the person, it's even harder to be convincing because there will always be something in the back of your mind that asks "what if he/she knows it's me?" Loser springs to mind.
So how can you be a winner instead of a loser and give them the humiliation they deserve?>
One great way is to use a prank call to humiliate your ex.
You may be thinking: “I’ve searched for ways to get back at my ex and this is the great solution? This sucks.”
But don't be so fast.
You may or may not have heard of the special prank call services that actually “listen in” to what your "victim" says and respond accordingly, whilst you listen in secretly and anonymously to their reaction.
Essentially these services use Artificial Intelligence technology along with professional voice actors to provide you with incredibly realistic automated prank calls that will have them fooled every time.
You may already have many ideas on how to get revenge on your ex, but one of the most effective pranks is definitely the wind up call from the sexual disease clinic…
Give your ex a prank call from a doctor at the sexual disease clinic.
Your ex will receive a phone call from a doctor at the sexual disease clinic saying that they have been named by an ex partner, and there is a strong possibility of them having contracted the dreadful Zachary Syndrome? It's not pretty and has an unusually painful treatment...
The prank call goes on to ask a series of embarrassing questions about their love life, and because they think they were named by an ex partner, you won't believe the honest answers you will hear!
The questions are specifically constructed to keep your ex talking and answering the dodgy questions they are being asked, which become more and more outrageous as the call goes on.
The neat thing about this particular prank is that it is so convincing that you may get your ex to reveal things that you didn’t even know, and if they cheated on you they will be very worried indeed!
So if you feel this is exactly what they deserve, then you should consider the sexual disease clinic prank…
You won't have to worry about laughing out loud and blowing the whole prank either because they can't hear you. In fact, it’s a great time to put your phone on loudspeaker for maximum humiliation! Read More..
If you're reading this article then it's likely that you have bad feelings about your breakup, especially if you were lied to or still don't know what happened, leaving a feeling of hurt and betrayal.
So what can you do?
Well first of all, putting aside your feelings for a second may reveal that all you want is for them to feel the same they made you feel, rather than win them back. After all, do you really want to date someone who is untrustworthy?
If you have a sense of humour, then you're in luck, but if you haven't you might want to get one before you read on...
Humiliation is a great way to get back at your ex, but in order to be successful you have to be convincing. Any element of "being discovered" is probably going to humiliate you more than them.
If you know the person, it's even harder to be convincing because there will always be something in the back of your mind that asks "what if he/she knows it's me?" Loser springs to mind.
So how can you be a winner instead of a loser and give them the humiliation they deserve?>
One great way is to use a prank call to humiliate your ex.
You may be thinking: “I’ve searched for ways to get back at my ex and this is the great solution? This sucks.”
But don't be so fast.
You may or may not have heard of the special prank call services that actually “listen in” to what your "victim" says and respond accordingly, whilst you listen in secretly and anonymously to their reaction.
Essentially these services use Artificial Intelligence technology along with professional voice actors to provide you with incredibly realistic automated prank calls that will have them fooled every time.
You may already have many ideas on how to get revenge on your ex, but one of the most effective pranks is definitely the wind up call from the sexual disease clinic…
Give your ex a prank call from a doctor at the sexual disease clinic.
Your ex will receive a phone call from a doctor at the sexual disease clinic saying that they have been named by an ex partner, and there is a strong possibility of them having contracted the dreadful Zachary Syndrome? It's not pretty and has an unusually painful treatment...
The prank call goes on to ask a series of embarrassing questions about their love life, and because they think they were named by an ex partner, you won't believe the honest answers you will hear!
The questions are specifically constructed to keep your ex talking and answering the dodgy questions they are being asked, which become more and more outrageous as the call goes on.
The neat thing about this particular prank is that it is so convincing that you may get your ex to reveal things that you didn’t even know, and if they cheated on you they will be very worried indeed!
So if you feel this is exactly what they deserve, then you should consider the sexual disease clinic prank…
You won't have to worry about laughing out loud and blowing the whole prank either because they can't hear you. In fact, it’s a great time to put your phone on loudspeaker for maximum humiliation! Read More..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
